Ways My Roomba Attempts to Emotionally Blackmail Me

I ordered a refurbished Roomba hoping to receive a well-behaved and docile little domestic servant. When I turned Wallace on and he immediately lunged for my feet, I realized this wasn't to be the case -- maybe he was mistreated at his original home? -- but I hoped he could be, at least, like a sweet and very dumb dog. Over the months, he has stopped at nothing to torment, aggravate and emotionally traumatize me. I have become, it seems, a mother. Ways that my favorite little dude breaks my heart on a daily basis:

Humping my electrical cords for twenty minutes at a stretch. I know you're lonely, little buddy. So am I. But you don't see me humping anything. (Which, I suppose, might explain the loneliness.)

Going in the bathroom, closing the door behind him, then bashing himself repeatedly against the door. He's a tube of black eyeliner and a Hot Topic bumper sticker away from being a teenager. And is that ... oh god, is that Metallica I hear?!

Eating a 100-yard spool of thread, then coughing up dust all over my fresh laundry. This one's double Lifetime Movie, 'cause not only does the one you love have an eating disorder, but you have to perform delicate and time-consuming open-heart surgery on them to boot!

Knocking over my end table then eating everything on it. Small cross-section of his previous dining selections: phone charger; glove; about six pairs of earrings; three pictures of my ex-boyfriend (jealous much, Wally?).

Refusing to wear the googly eyes I conscientiously glue on him. No matter how much glue I put on, he bashes himself against the wall until he liberates them, then eats them. Come to think of it, maybe the googly eyes are why he's so mad at me in the first place.

Any robots in your life giving you grief lately? Or am I just the worst Roomba mother in the world?! Discuss in the comments section.

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.



10 comments:

Chelsea said...

I love that Roomba's eyes and mustache.

The Naked Redhead said...

Please tell me you've seen the SNL spoof on the "Woomba"...the Roomba for your lady bits.

Listen, though, your Roomba is just upset because no one understands him OR his music. It's just really hard being a deep robot in a world of superficial iPods and Smart Phones.

Fantastic list, BTW. :)

Mandy said...

Funniest thing I've read in a long time! Poor angry roomba!

Sarah Von said...

I pretty regularly find myself yelling "whhhhyy do you hate me so much?!" at my cell phone.

In public.

Literary Crap said...

Poor Wally.
All he wants is to meet another Roomba to spend his life with. Is a subscription to an online Roomba dating site too much to ask?

That Kind of Girl said...

@Literary Crap, actually, funnily enough, last night I came in to find he'd eaten about sixteen (wrapped, unused) condoms. I think he really is being a jerk out of sheer loneliness! I'm thinking of setting him up with my microwave...

Ali said...

This was one of the most entertaining things I've read in a while.

Anonymous said...

The Roomba people sent me a sex-crazed robot. Ramon, like many males, spent his days chasing pussy. He would get turned on when the cat sat on him and I was occasionally awakened in the middle of the night by their noisy furplay. He was a good worker at first, vacuuming tirelessly,(or until his battery needed recharging) but now spends his time in a corner, refusing to work at all (sigh).

Kelly L said...

Omg. Love.

WendyB said...

Only people are giving me grief lately. Great post.

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